I'm not going to think, I'm just going to type.
I want to take you back, back to the beginning of where my individual journey began. When I left my parents house and went to college. This was the first time I ever felt like I was in charge of my life and could make my own decisions. I was raised by very strict parents... my mom was born and raised in a third world country with very little, and my dad is a marine and raised us with a lot of his military mentality. I think a lot of good came from this type of upbringing, but as a kid IT SUCKED! I couldn't go out and hang with friends, often... if ever. For instance, after class night in high school, prom, basically any event I went to, I had to be home by 11pm. I honestly felt as a kid that a lot of why my parents did and said what they did was just because they wanted to have that control over me. Or maybe they just wanted to make us miserable as kids (which I know now is not the case)... I have a younger brother and sister too btw. It wasn't uncommon for my parent’s reason for me not being able to go and do something to be "because we love you". I HATED THIS. Who wouldn't hate this answer? Another thing that wasn't uncommon was my parents "threatening" to take away my sports activities if X wasn't done, or done right. "If you don't clean up that room you aren't going to your baseball game tomorrow." Like, are you kidding me? Anyway, this could go on forever... my dad is an alcoholic, so that just made everything even worse. I remember numerous nights when my Mom would wake us up in the early morning as kids and we'd have to get dressed and leave... she was leaving Dad and "this is the last time". FUN. Living with an alcoholic Dad takes such a toll on the family... I always hated seeing how it affected my Mom and how she had to counter his stupidity, and just allow things to happen sometimes. "Roll with the punches" some might say is what we did. You know what though... after so many years of this; it can really put a wedge in between having a meaningful relationship with him. To this day we don't have a great relationship, and I don't love going home to visit my parents. Why? Because you never know what version of my Dad you are going to get. I always feel like I'm babysitting when I'm home and like you just have to take his stupid comments, and it's like... cmon Dad grow up ya know…? I understand this all more nowadays, but damn this rabbit hole goes so deep for me... It makes me incredibly sad because my Mom has done so much for us... she loves her kids and would do anything for us, but I can’t help her situation… I’ve tried. I would love to see her and talk more but I have just deep underlying emotions with my Dad, I just really don't like being around him at all. I know he's trying and he's gotten better over the years, but most of the time, he's "like a kid" to me. I will say that last December 2018 I had a breakthrough with him where I decided to show him some super vulnerability that I've never done before, and I cried in front of him as I was telling him something about his dad (who passed due to cancer). Something I said or did struck a chord with him and he broke down and opened up and told me lot about his past and how he holds stuff inside... how he's aware of how he hurts us, and I think it almost is the reason he doesn't really know how to talk and interact with us now... he might even drink because he gets sad or mad at himself for all he's done, and yeah that sounds super counterproductive, but I guess it's the life of an alcoholic.
Maybe I got off track here... maybe I'm on track. Anyway, I was SO EXCITED to leave for college and to go as far away as I could. What I would do with my new found freedom in college… I’ll tell you this, the way I was raised and what I’ve already shared with you would definitely come into play… I’ll tell you more about that soon. Thanks for reading.